my mental health journey without medication
I sometimes forget just how lucky I am to be where I am today.
And also, how I actually managed to power through my mental health journey without medication!
There was a time where I used to have up to five panic attacks DAILY.
I was exhausted and extremely sad. I felt so alone and was very miserable. Life truly sucked and I hated it. Weekly nightly panic attacks were also a thing, at least three times a week. I was a wreck!
Imagine waking up thanks to a panic attack.
That shit is extremely scary and if it has happened to you, then you know what I am talking about.
I had my first panic attack in May 2018. On the 23rd to be exact. To this day, I have no idea what triggered it, but it was so scary. It happened again a week later when I was visiting my mom. I had ordered a new charger for my phone and had it delivered to her address since I knew that I was going to be at her place that day. I was in the bathroom with her and as I was getting ready to wash my face as she was folding her laundry, that’s where these panic attack symptoms started to flare up.
Dizziness, sweatiness and shortness of breath.
I never talked to my mom about the one I had a week earlier. My poor mother was extremely confused and frightened when I basically yelled at her to call the ambulance. And she did. The ambulance came and took care of me for about 30 minutes and then they were on their way. They were kind, compassionate and understanding. They helped me through it all and were extremely patient with me.
The second time I had a panic attack was during the first day if Midsummer. I was home alone and getting ready to go to my best friends summer cottage to celebrate Midsummer there for about four days with her, her boyfriend, me (obviously) and my boyfriend at the time. My day started of pretty damn good. I was excited to go since we’ve been waiting for this day since the year before, I filled my stomach with an amazing breakfast, 80’s and 90’s hits were playing pretty loud out of my speakers (it was like 1pm, my poor neighbors) and my bags were packed. The only thing left, except for me to take a shower, was to go to the liquor store and buy everything in there. It wasn’t that much of a sunny day but whatever, we move.
I showered while singing way too bad and way too loud and a few minutes after I got out, the same symptoms of a panic attack started to flare up. Really? Can I just fucking live my life? Today of all days!? By now, my best friend was already on her way to pick me up. I called her and told her that it might take a little while since this bitch ass panic attack wanted to swing by and say hello like a full-on creep. She understood but told me that she was going to come by anyway and be with me. She’s the sweetest!
Did I ever think that it was going to be this bad? Absofuckinglutely not! I ended up in the hospital with only a few hours left before the last ferry stopped going for the day. Thankfully, I had already packed everything that I needed and wanted to bring with me, so I gave my best friend my bag to take with her including the list of everything we needed to buy from food to liquor. And to think that I wanted to write the lists the same day as our departure, but I did it the night before instead. Must thank my Capricorn Stellium for my (slightly) organized self.
I was in the emergency room for about two hours, waiting to talk to a doctor. I was determined to go to celebrate Midsummer at the summer cottage and got more and more stressed over the fact that we might miss the last ferry for the day. The doctor came in the last minute but couldn’t find anything wrong with me. Nothing showed up in my urine sample and nothing in my blood sample. My best friend sneaked her way into my room at the hospital to wait for the doctor with me and our boyfriends was waiting outside by the car, getting drunk. The doctor let me go with no answers and a $30 bill. And yes, we managed to get on the last ferry with around two minutes left because my best friend drives like she lives in a GTA game.
For the longest time afterwards, I started to get up to five daily panic attacks. And let’s not forget the nightly panic attacks that would terrify me to my core and literally wake me up. They all started at around 4-5pm. I booked an appointment with a doctor at our healthcare center who prescribed me some medication to control my anxiety and panic attacks after diagnosing me with panic disorder and depression. They did absolutely nothing but made me sleep. I slept really good tho, but no thanks.
I took only one pill and decided afterwards that it wasn’t for me.
You should’ve seen the look on my mother’s face when I told her that I was going to heal my mental health and go on my mental health journey without any form of medication. With everything that was going on in my life (2018 is one of my worst years) I knew that I didn’t need medication, I needed someone to talk to. Because I felt so alone.
I spoke to a therapist/psychologist on two different occasions with a few months apart for about a month each. Very helpful but they talked more about how I could learn to deal and manage my anxiety and panic attacks and the symptoms that comes with them than actually talking to me and about me. Like I said, very helpful but not really what I felt and knew I needed.
IMPORTANT NUMBERS! (Sweden)
Självmordslinjen (suicide helpline): 901 01
Kvinnofridslinjen (national womens helpline): 020-50 50 50
Shedo, Self Harm Chat Line
BRIS (childrens right in society): 116 111 (mon−sun 14−21. Wed 17−21)
Brottsofferjouren (crime victim support): 0200-21 20 19
Mansjouren (for men only) in Stockholms län: 08-30 30 20 (appointment booking)
BRIS Support line for parents: 0771- 50 50 50
Link to a list of more important numbers in Sweden
My life wasn’t looking too good during this time and the reason as to why I didn’t want any medication to heal my mental health is because I knew that it was all emotional and because of everything that was going on. I didn’t want anything to suppress my emotions when I needed to be open and frank about them. I knew that I needed to sort my life out and be honest about my life situation. So, the journey began.
THE GAMECHANGER FOR ME
The most important thing I did was to get a journal. It wasn’t fancy at all, just an ordinary notebook where I wrote down ALL OF MY EMOTIONS. It never mattered how big or small of emotions or what might’ve set them off, I wrote everything down.
Every question I had, every reflection, idea and opinion. I still write in my journal to this day. It brings me so much understanding and compassion towards myself.
I realized that I answered about 8 out of 10 of my own questions that I thought were to hard to find an answer on.
The more I wrote something down and with every sentence came unravelment and a peace of mind.
I will never top recommending getting a journal. You can be as honest and blunt as you want since it’s for nobody’s eyes but yours.
It wasn’t easy AT ALL but oh so needed. I had to be honest about my life and the biggest factor of it all was my relationship and the state of it. I couldn’t ignore it anymore. There was no desire to speak to a therapist/psychologist again, so I decided to take matters in my own hands. My thought process was that I know myself the best, so I did just that.
By quitting, continuing, ending and starting some things in my life, I am now where I am today. I still have a long way to go but I’m much happier, I feel more liberated, my mental health and my mental health journey is thriving and I’m so secure with and within myself and who I am. I love it here and you can’t tell me nothing.
If you’ve made the decision to take medication to help you power through your anxiety/anxiety disorder, panic attacks/panic disorder, just now that there’s nothing wrong with doing so. I chose this route because that’s what felt right for me. You are not me and I am not you, so what worked for me might not work for you and vice versa. I don’t think that there’s a wrong way or a right way to deal with this, only your own way and that’s fucking okay. It’s your decision.
And if you change your mind, that’s okay too! It’s important to remember that the fact that you’re taking the necessary steps to heal yourself is such a major thing to do. The first step is hard as hell because no, it’s not easy to open old wounds that you thought were healed. Fuck no it’s not but you’re amazing for doing just that, never forget it!
It definitely wasn’t an easy task to deal with all of these emotions, symptoms and disorders while healing my mental health without any medication, but it is very doable.
It was not my intention for this post to be this long. But it felt good to get it all out. Well almost everything. Maybe there’s someone out there who has just started their own journey in healing their mental health/mental illness who might find this post and take something from it that resonate with them and guide them on their journey. Even if it is one person, I’m glad I could help and remember that you are forever loved 💙
