the muse trilogy, part 1
Becoming my own muse and why I chose to romanticize my life.
The choice to romanticize my life came at a time when I realized that I absolutely do not have to live like this anymore. That I’m not a tree, movement is possible for me. I think it was during my Saturn Return. Without going into details, my life was literally being “lived” on autopilot, remembering nothing and just waiting for the next day to come. I was so used to it to the point where I was numb to it. This went on for years, especially when my panic disorder and depression was at its highest, which funny enough started at the very beginning of my Saturn Return, I’m talking about months before it officially started without me even knowing what the fuck that means until a few months after it ended.
I started journaling, channeling my love for writing into something healing for me. Writing down all my reflections and thoughts, typing errors and all but who the hell cares? It was all for me. A place to ask questions without any form of judgement and literally just put my thoughts on paper, to be as open as possible. Filling my notebooks with hate, joy, sadness, confusion, jokes, happiness and tears. The more I wrote, the more I came back to myself and my vision for life. Top tier therapy sessions, Dr. Melfi who?
Always been a lover of beauty but never known how to add it to my everyday life. All I knew and was taught to me was that beauty equals makeup, so I added to it (thanks to movies and television) by going the obvious and physical route of changing bedding, looking over my hair- and skincare routine and even my wardrobe. I even thought about buying myself flowers every week. The typical feminine way of romanticizing your life. Although it’s still valid to make these changes, it felt a bit fake to me since it didn’t really give me what I was looking for and the fact that I did what was expected to be done based on what I saw growing up, whether it be in my personal life and upbringing or, as I mentioned before, in television and movies.
To romanticize your life is a way bigger step and commitment to take than the physical. It’s a lifestyle, almost like a state of mind. No, not even almost. It literally is. To find joy in everyday life and situations. That spark and self-love in the mundane. Beauty and charm in your daily rituals. It can be a hard thing to do when coming from a negative headspace or place in life but it’s perfectly attainable if you put the work in. No stress, take your time with it.
I decided that I would no longer betray myself. ‘Til the day I die, I’m going to be with ME. People, lovers, friends, partners and family will come and go. The one constant thing with all these people is me. The world is as terrible as it is and I have met, and will meet, and deal with terrible people, how dare I treat myself the same way? Make myself smaller to be digestible? With all disrespect, you can fucking choke.
It came to a turning point, like a lightbulb moment to become my own art. My own muse. Reclaim my power and realize within myself the beauty I so often saw in others. If there’s beauty in others, then there’s beauty within me. That’s just how it is, whether I believe it or not or whether someone else sees it or not.
I was already living my life on my own terms but leaning towards the common societal expectation. Like a bird flying freely in a cage as big as an empty house, but a cage, nonetheless. Unfortunately, I don’t know if humans will ever be 100% free from living in such a way.
Something completely snapped within me and started to bloom. A seed was planted that kept telling me that there must be more to life than this. The funny thing is that I knew that there was AND is so much more to life. And mentioned before, it’s not so much about the practical and physical, it comes from within.
How do I curate my life?
Honesty is key when coming back to and getting to know yourself again. One thing was for damn sure, I was never pulled towards what would be considered the typical female/feminine aestethic. The light and bright, the pink, pastels and submissive. Light feminine to name a few. I have always been drawn towards the dark feminine aestethic and dark academia. The occult and slightly strange. Pulled towards mystery, erotica, vintage art and solitude.
I am both the artist and the subject. A woman who takes pictures for self-expression and as an artform, cooks for pleasure, writes like poetry and dresses like art, even during the days I dress like a bum. It’s all about aura and confidence baby. I blissfully indulge in my love for books and literature. My muse archetype is the enigma, the mystic and the sage and it fits me perfectly! I don’t wait for no damn invitation, I fucking become it. And I dare to live and exist like poetry in a world that demands structure.
I did change my bedding, look over my hair- and skincare routine and my wardrobe to name a few. But now I do it with intent and focus on how I want to feel about myself. I walk and do with purpose and that might be cringe or weird to some. But to be cringe is to be free and that might be why I’m so much happier than you.
